I was with someone else. I won’t name who but it wasn’t you. Looking back to see someone smiling at me was refreshing. I woke up sad. A bit heartbroken. No part of it will ever be real.

From when I was little —

I swear it happened the night before I started Kindergarten. The start of my anxiety dreams. There’s a small ditch on the side of the drive leading to my parents home. Where that drive and the highway connect. There’s a tunnel that runs beneath. They used to transport cattle, my granddad tells me. I sat on the edge of the drive with my feet in the ditch. I saw a troll-like man and was afraid.

I was at my cousins trailer. He was a teenager so I would have been young. He had action figures that turned into werewolves.

From when I was younger than now —

Cindy, Lindsey, mom and I on vacation at a beach. Sudden screaming and running. We looked to our right (always our right…) a tidal wave. As it’s about to take us we escape. This was one I had weekly in college.

Last night I had a few dreams. I only remember pieces of them.

I remember my great grandmother was still alive.

I remember a fire.

I remember the shutters in my grandparents home being painted red and my pap helping to paint them. He was much younger than he is.

I was crying a lot. I heard Ryan yell, “Babe” and I woke up with my heart in my throat.

Some nights they’re so real I think I’ve traveled in time to be able to see them again. If it’s all I’ll ever get I’ll take it but I hope to one night not wake up in tears.

february 19, 2011-time unknown

i dreamed i was making tortellini and they were so gross but i was being force fed. i’m not sure who the force shoving these noodles of death down my throat was but i wish i could go back and water board them. tfm. 

february 4

i was super drunk and so was everyone else. the cops came by the water street house to see who turned on a fourwheeler and why. michael, chad rhodes, and michael’s mom were there. i think krystin and mom were too.

we were all at a dance (mom, me, krystin, nan, memee and papaw harry). everyone looked like they were from 1980. this one little girl asked to dance with me and she was insanely good. 

i also had a ton of acne all over my body. 

i also dreamed i was peeing and woke up because i was afraid of wetting the bed.

5:30 am February 3

Michael, Erik and I were stopped at the intersection of Bruce and Mason heading West. It was summer, Michael was driving. The windows were rolled down and we were blasting music from the stereo. As we stopped at the intersection someone popped out of the bushes and grabbed Michael through the window. He was dressed in Khaki Pants, a Khaki suit jacket, and a big (think horse races big) Khaki hat. Michael swatted at the guy to get him off and he let go. We laughed and yelled something out the window at the guy. As we turned left to go onto Ott Street more people popped out of the bushes. We are at my house. My house in Harrisonburg not my parents’ house. I am sitting on my book shelf screaming and crying while Michael is sitting on the bed guarded by two lackeys. Michael and I are yelling at each other trying to figure out what to do. Then the man in the Khaki outfit is standing in front of me. I am not sure what he is going to do to me until I see he has a needle-like object (like syringe and needle) in his suit jacket’s sleeve. Michael tells me to stand up and try to get away from him. I stand up and the man starts shooting needles rapidly out of his sleeve at me. Somehow I manage to dodge all of them. All three men are laying on the floor with Michael and I cowering over them. One man carried something like a rubber mallet and Michael was able to get it from him and knock him out. After that I knocked out the second man carrying one of those circular saw things like they have when you have ham sliced at the grocery store. We debated slitting their throats as they laid on the ground but then decided we could probably get in a lot of trouble since the men no longer posed a threat. There were, however, others. I knew others were downstairs fighting Marissa and Erik but I did not want to leave these three in case they woke back up. I saw Erik run into his room and get a bat so I knew they were somewhat okay. At this point I called 9-1-1. The lady on the phone, however, did not believe my story. She told me that I was on drugs and she couldn’t do anything for me but tell the cops there was a potential break in. I was so upset I was crying because we needed backup. After a little time I called 9-1-1 again. The same lady answered and said the cop would be another hour or so before getting to the house. 

cue alarm clock.